Me as an unselfconscious toddler

WRITTEN ON 16 NOVEMBER 2016

The singer Adele is reported to have said ‘I have insecurities of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me’.

I really understand this, and wholeheartedly invite anyone who finds my lack of self-confidence offensive, intolerable or derisive to please avoid interaction with me as far as is possible or at least review the way they normally judge other people. Anyone who is lucky enough to have the carbon copy, stereotypical self-confidence that is so prized in the competitive worlds of recruitment, dating and queuing for a drink in a busy wine bar shouldn’t be so quick to put others who weren’t so lucky in a narrow little category. I pity anyone who is so ignorant that they think self-confidence is something that can be injected into the bloodstream for overnight transformation! Anyone who has the strength to live a permanent façade of socially acceptable confidence is, again, lucky but must realise that others prefer to channel their energy into simply trying to be themselves as much as norms allow.

I have no interest whatsoever in being friends with anyone to whom outer image is more important than inner substance. I also have zero interest in friendships based on a desire to “fix” someone else rather than working on oneself. Flippant, breezy suggestions as to how self-confidence can be achieved, without any knowledge of someone’s background, can be very detrimental — listening to someone describe the path they have travelled in life and offering gentle encouragement is, in my experience, far more effective if genuinely wishing someone well in their intention to evolve as a person.

There are innumerable tools available for self-improvement (many of which are free, unlike expensive psychotherapy, which doesn’t always get people the results they so desperately want) but, for many people, gaining self-confidence and overcoming deeply rooted issues is a far more complex, less linear and more protracted process than many would ever dare imagine!

I once read an article by Grayson Perry in The Sunday Times Magazine in which he said something like ‘If Jake the Peg can’t be king that’s sad, but if Jake the Peg can’t be Jake the Peg that’s tragic’.

Although it’s much easier and safer to just live our lives making surface judgements of others and there’s often a huge risk to be had in giving people the benefit of the doubt, I personally feel that life is generally far more enriching and enlightening when we can avoid pigeonholing others based on their outward appearance or a first impression.